Sadistic Metal Reviews: Incineration of 2017 Metal

2017 was a shit waste of a year when it came to metal music.  Yet with a whole generation of useless neckbeard millennials frantically trying to pursue a career in metal journalism via a desperate pursuit of vindication from that $40,000 of communications-degree student loan debt we have hundreds of “best metal albums” lists every year.  Because there are thousands of metal releases each year hundreds of shitty musicians and journalists are somehow convinced that their opinion matters and that people care about their lists, we now have list after list with totally different picks because no one can possibly sit through a listen of thousand releases ever year.  Where the commonality lies is that all of the number one picks are fecal matter on toilet tissue, usually not metal and certainly not even worth listening to.

Let’s cremate the foul miasma of 2017 with a funeral pyre of epic proportions: a sadistic metal review carbonization of #1 picks from the fakest of the fake metal news outlets…
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Decapitated Proven Innocent!

As I predicted a few weeks ago with 100% accuracy all charges of rape, kidnapping, and sexual assault have been dropped against the four members of Decapitated.  The collateral damage done to the band is going to remain however as this news (published on a Saturday when little mind is paid to the news cycle) will surely receive significantly less buzz than the breaking story of their arrest, or the subsequent leftist metal media narrative that a guilty plea should be expected based on a ridiculous interview with some dingbat attorney who had absolutely no access to any of the evidence.  This will therefore result in many of the fans who have disowned them to continue believing them to be heartless rapists.  The band can expect extradition back to Poland soon, having very harshly learned a tough but important lesson.  This story is an important lesson to metal concertgoers and even more so to young metal musicians who will be touring or playing shows soon.  Let’s briefly examine how this story was treated by the liberal MSMM (mainstream metal media) and its fans, take a deeper look at the takeaways that can be learned from this unfortunate experience, and conclude with an open letter to the members of Decapitated I once shared a bottle of vodka with some years ago…
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2018 Predictions

2017 was a year of total war and, culturally, a year of victory.  What it lacked in quality metal it made up for in illuminating many of the harsh truths about metal’s business side, the narcissism of metal musicians, disloyalty of metal fans, and the desperation of metal journalists to fit in with flavor-of-the-weak liberal hysteria.  Outside of metal, conservatism has won almost every battle and leftism continues to be on the defensive.  With the death of Antifa in America, the complete meltdown of liberal journalists in and outside of metal, and endless infighting and cannibalization within the left, 2017 has been perhaps the most amusing and fulfilling year in recent memory.

Yet as great as this last year was, we must keep our eyes on the future with maximum alertness as the war continues.  Therefore let’s leave the crystal ball reading to the crazy cat lady witches running Cvlt Nation and instead make some logical predictions on where the world of metal may be headed in the next year:

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Sadistic Metal Reviews: Against Maoist Picks for 2017


Reviews by Linus Douglas.

Maoist metalcore fan Vince Neilstein has defecated upon the Internet once more by displaying the gaping asshole of his mind in an attempt to make mid-year “metal” recommendations in 2017. Like most of that Communist website’s picks, Neilstein is catering to a communist agenda on the one hand, and being a bitch to the monetary interests of the Guevarean movement of good-for-nothings by picking big label turds.

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Matt Harvey Gives MetalSucks the Reach Around

Matt Harvey of deathcore band Exhumed was called up to provide a contrary viewpoint on Decibel Magazine’s website to MetalSucks’ call for a proscription of Hells Headbangers Records, circlejerking around the Blast Beat advertising network.

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Metalsucks, Shut the Fuck Up


by David McEric

The shamelessly slimy Metalsucks claim to have received an “open letter” from The Anti-NSBM Working Group, asking Hells Headbangers Records “to cease releasing and distributing Nazi propaganda,” a spurious claim at best, and a needlessly high-handed position against a family business with no ties to Nazism, racism, or any specific intolerance of any kind, past running a label and distro full of acts that advocate mass murder and devil worship like any good metal band should. The alleged group who wrote the letter doesn’t have much of an online identity, but Metalsucks does, and since they were the ones who posted this clickbait tripe in the first place, this open letter is directed at them.

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MetalSucks Threatens Hells Headbangers

Crybaby social justice warrior metalcore blog MetalSucks posted a statement from a group of metalcore musicians calling for American distro and label Hells Headbangers to stop releasing “Nazi propaganda”or else.

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Liberal Music Fans Fooled by Grindcore Charity Deception

A massive amount of gullible liberal retards have fallen for a masterful charity deception running on Bandcamp via a “grindcore band” called Anal Trump. The band’s new album If you Want to Qualify for Health Insurance, Then Maybe You Should Have Gotten Raped? currently is the service’s top selling album despite the entire album being less than 60 seconds and offering virtually no music content. Priced at $5.00 (though users are able to pay more), the band claims 100% of “net proceeds” will be donated to the charity RAINN. This is in fact a cleverly worded deception as Bandcamp’s payout model takes 15% of all sales plus a processing fee (varying based on the amount), meaning that instead of donating $5.00 directly to the charity and getting nothing in return, users are donating $3.95 to the charity and $1.05 to Bandcamp and getting nothing in return.

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Dark Economic Truths of Underground Metal

Recently many of the other “metal” websites, blogs, publications et cetera have been doing articles about the business side of music industry. Unsurprisingly none of these articles had the testicular fortitude to address the ugly reality of the underground metal economy as they are written by either slaves to the machine itself or losers who genuinely believe that they have “careers” in music which heavily depend on acceptance by the community. Since the Death Metal Underground staff bow to no masters social or corporate, we are in the rare position give you the truth in its rawest form. So with absolute disregard for the powers that be in metal, let’s take an honest look inside this machine to see how it really works.

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